Jonesing for a rotisserie chicken

It’s been two weeks since I’ve been to the grocery store and things are looking bare. I’m out of soy milk and apple juice. There are no organic peanuts in the apartment. And, my lips can’t remember the last time they tasted a crispy roasted chicken.

There’s no food in my kitchen and the truck is to blame.

It’s too cold to walk 10 blocks with grocery bags and I’m still not confident enough in my driving prowess to wheel into the cramped parking garage at the Whole Foods Market. I mean, I used to have a very difficult time maneuvering the Volvo station wagon around.

I suppose I could shop somewhere else, but, I won’t. I’m addicted to the Whole Foods Market experience. As a tree hugger, I like the wholesome, fresh food. I applaud the company’s recent commitment to power its stores by renewable energy – a deal my organization helped broker. I enjoy looking at the attractive crowd that shops at Whole Foods -- no fat women in sweat pants buying frozen dinners.

My shopping habits admittedly are based on aesthetics and convenience. Before the accident with the deer, I would drive back to Washington from Rehoboth every Monday morning. After work, I’d hit the gym, followed by my once-a-week trip to Whole Foods.

By 8 o’clock, the after-work crowd at Whole Foods has thinned out. Parking is easy. And depending on my mood, I might pop across the street to Halo Bar for a Manhattan cocktail. Bourbon kills the appetite and I find it better to shop with a little buzz on than hungry. Better for the waistline. By 8:30, you can almost always pick up a rotisserie chicken. And there are also plenty of attractive fabby boys in post-workout Abercrombie wandering through the aisles filling their carts up with green leafy vegetables, bananas, cans of “certified dolphin safe” tuna, and bottles of Smart Water.

So you clearly see my conundrum. I suppose I could drive to a more “truck-friendly” grocery store. But, I just sense that the rotisserie chicken wouldn’t achieve that perfect balance of crispy skin and moist meat. There’d be no Manhattans across the street. No tasty organic peanuts or men.

There has got to be a way to own a truck and still shop at the Whole Foods Market.

Digit envy

My Delaware license plate finally arrived. CL 42211. It’s not a bad plate -- it’s easy to remember, rolls nicely off the tongue, and, most importantly, it’s five digits. I worried for weeks that I’d be issued one of those common six-digit plates. Six digit plates belong on the uninspiring cars of retirees and fat women shopping at Harry and David’s at the Outlet Malls, not on a big manly truck.

You never know what number the Delaware DMV will issue you. I lucked out. If it’d been a six-digit number I’d have to go over to Georgetown and beg for a lower one. Or purchase a low number plate at one of the many auctions around the state. Yes, you heard me right. There's a market for license plates because Delawareans covet low digit plates.

Unlike most states, Delaware’s typical car plate uses only digits. The plate numbers haven’t reached one million yet, because the plates are recycled. There are different designations for different types of vehicles. Trucks receive the CL designation. Farm trucks get a FT designation. Cars get no designation, except that station wagons and SUVs get a PC (passenger car) designation. Tags are transferrable from vehicle to vehicle and can also be sold from Delawarean to Delawarean. This allows for a family to keep a license plate number in their family from generation to generation.

To add to the fever, you have the handsome black and white tags, the original color combination. Some of the really desirable, old low-digit plates are black and white. They were discontinued in the 40’s in favor of the current buff and blue color combination. But, you can purchase replicas of your buff and blue tags in black and white through the Delaware Historical Society.

All of this creates quite a demand. Just last week, a Rehoboth man paid $82,000 at auction for a pair of license plates: 900 and PC900. According to the newspaper story, the man was away in the Bahamas and was willing to go up to $100,000.

My neighbor Tim has a three digit, black and white plate that was passed down to him from his grandparents. Imagine what that baby's worth? In true Delawarean style, he’s encouraging me to attend one of Butch Emmert’s auctions and bid on a 4-digit truck plate. "A low-digit black and white plate would look real hot on your truck," he whispers in my ear." "And, like a diamond, it will keep it's value." He's right. Butch Emmert, a real expert on Delaware license plates, says prices are going up 15-20% per year. Even the 4-digit plates are routinely bringing $3,000 to $12,000 at auction. Downstaters, according to Emmert, prefer C tags, while those from New Castle County like the PC plates.

Who knew license plates could be part of savvy financial planning? I'm still not convinced, but I'm thinking about it. I bet Alfred Dunhill would have a low digit black and white tag.

Brokeback trucks

Everyone’s raving about Brokeback Mountain -- the cinematography, the acting, the powerful raw emotions, and the pain of lost love. I finally saw the film, on Valentine’s Day, and I must agree with the critics: it’s a beautiful film and certainly deserving of its Oscar nominations.

But how come nobody is talking about the trucks. Yes, the trucks. The film is full of fine-looking pickup trucks. Old classic Fords. Big blue rugged Chevys. Even the two-tone numbers look good, in a rugby jersey kind of way. And tell me, is there anything sexier than a studly fella in tight Levis lounging on an old pickup truck?

Director Ang Lee clearly paid special attention to the pickup trucks, recognizing that in rural Wyoming and Texas the locals would likely drive beat-up old trucks and not new ones. I searched around online for anything interesting about pickup trucks in the film. I found the usual analogies about trucks and horses, but nothing about the pickup truck being a solitary vehicle (with its limited cab space) and how this is a symbolic of the two main characters’ loneliness and of society’s pressure on them to keep their feelings confined and to themselves. Impressed? Well, I did take a couple of film classes in college.

I did find a website devoted to miscues in Brokeback Mountain. There are two truck-related ones. The first miscue occurs towards the beginning of the film when Jack parks his truck before going in to inquire about a sheep herding job for the first time. He parks it head-in (facing the building.) When he and Ennis come down from the mountain at the end of the season and start the truck it is facing the other way. That’s when the second miscue comes in. Ennis helps Jack to start his truck, then improperly closes the hood (you can see it isn't properly latched). Shortly afterward, Jack gets in his truck to drive away and the hood is fully closed.

Who knew Ang Lee was so sloppy? More importantly, who cares about these things?

I mentioned the beautiful pickup trucks to my friend and artistic muse Aurelio. He and I share the same birthday and an appreciation for beautiful things like driftwood and daffodils. He didn’t remember the pickup trucks from the film, but he did recount for me how he used to own a small Datusun pickup truck back on the Dominican Republic and would give rides to his friends at the bars (they loved to jump in the back when they were drunk). One female friend (who will not be named because of a current important diplomatic position) used to jump out of the back and onto any hot man she saw. Of course, they would not pay attention to a drunk girl jumping from a truck and Aurelio and his friends would start screaming “Recójanla! Recójanla! (pick her up, pick her up) while she lay on the road. Sometimes she would just throw her panties at people. Aurelio had a chauffeur whom drove it. He was young and looked like Paul Newman and his name was Moisesito (little Moses).

Ay, everyone has a truck story...

What owner's manuals don't tell you

The Ford F-150 4x4 owner's manual doesn't say anything about rain or snow that accumulates in the bed of the truck. Are there drain holes? Does it evaporate? Ought I shovel it? Or just leave it alone?

At least the truck comes with an owner's manual. Babies don't. I was hanging out with my friends Andy and Dobbie and their two young children -- both under 2 years. They were laughing about having to wing it as parents. Said the hospital hands you this baby, you tuck it under your arm, and you head home. Then you look at it and try to figure out what to do with it. No owners's manual, no nothing.

What does the fashionable gay man drive?

There's a writer with the LA Times named Dan Neil. He's blonde and kind of cute and he writes about cars. I discovered him today because he wrote a piece entitled "What Every Man Should Drive" that appeared in the Post Express. Now, I'm assuming Dan is straight because he's advising fellas on cars that appeal to women.

According to Dan, the 2006 BMW 325XI sports wagon is the perfect car for the fashionable young man, the kind of car you should own along with a great set of cookware and a tailored tux. Dan also says a sports wagon conveys a series of messages to women -- a sense of self, style, and maturity. It says you're eligible.

And to think, I actually looked at a BMW wagon, along with the Volvo XC Sport Wagon before settling on the truck. Guess I lucked out, huh? Anyway, Dan goes on to say that women view men who drive sports cars as needy and men who drive trucks as desperate.

The article got me thinking again about cars and trucks and what they say about you. If sports wagons are now the province of young upwardly mobile guys looking to settle down, what are the cars for gay guys?

I googled "gay trucks" and came up with very little except that Ford Motor Company plans to continue to advertise its trucks in gay publications and a couple of references to some porn videos. "Gay cars," however, turned up a couple of lists.

Gay.com recently came out with its "gayest cars of 2006".

1. Best Car for the Gay Professional: 2006 BMW 5 Series Sedan
2. Best Car for the New Gay Family: 2006 Saab 9-5 Wagon
3. Best Dragwagon: 2006 Kia Sorento
4. Most Likely Down Low Cruiser: 2006 Chevrolet Impala
5. Best Twinkmobile: 2006 Mini Cooper
6. Best Ride for the Trendy Gay Man: 2006 Honda Element
7. Best Ride for the Trendy Gay Man (Urban): 2006 Chrysler 300C
8. Best Retail Queen Carriage: 2006 Pontiac G6
9. Best Lesbian Moving Van: 2006 Subaru Outback
10. Queerest Car: 2006 Ford Focus

A British site lists their top ten. Though I must admit I have no idea what a Smart City Car is and I'm sure they listed the Czech-made Skoda Fabia just because of the name and probably because the guy putting togethe the list likes all that Czech porn with guys in barns and out in the fields. By the way, the photo at the beginning of this story is a Fabia.

1. Smart City Car
2. Jeep Wrangler
3. Pink Rolls Royce
4. Mercedes SL55 AMG
5. Mini
6. BMW Z8
7. Porsche convertible
8. Classic Chevy
9. Skoda Fabia
10. Beetle convertible

Even the guys on PBS' popular Car Talk program have named their ultimate top ten gay cars.

1. VW Jetta
2. VW Beetle
3. BMW 3Series
4. Jeep Wrangler
5. Mazda Miata
6. Saab 900
7. Saturn SC1
8. VW Golf
9. VW Cabrio
10. Chrysler Sebring

Interestingly, among the “Car Talk” ultimate lesbian cars were the Volvo Wagon and the Ford F-150.

And, finally, Gaywheels.com, a blog dedicated to gay guys and cars put out their list of the gayest cars from the 2006 North American International Auto Show:

1. Dodge Challenger – a muscle car.
2. Lexus LS460
3. Volvo C70
4. Jaguar XK Convertible
5. Toyota Camry
6. VW Eos
7. Ford Edge
8. Dodge Caliber
9. a varety of GM SUVs
10. Jeep Rangler Rubicon – for all those GI Joe fantasies

So what does the fashionable gay man drive? Not a truck it seems. I like that. But, really, lists like these and articles like Dan Neil's are pretty much a bunch of fluff. And to think he won a Pulitzer Prize...

Bow ties and bling bling

The realization hit me on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Not at the Polo Shop in Georgetown where earlier I had purchased a rather dapper bowtie, but in Oxon Hill, Maryland, in the middle of a store called Big Boys Toys and surrounded by a dozen men ogling racks of shiny chrome wheels.

The realization? Men who customize their cars and trucks are the new 21st Century dandies. It's true, and it's not about bow ties or Persian rugs. It's about the bling.

Stylish chrome wheels and customized leather interiors cost several thousand dollars. Decorative painting, lighting, running boards, floor mats, and entertainment are popular enhancements. Hip hop artists call it “bling,” and the Oxford English dictionary defines it as diamonds, jewelry, and all showy style. After purchase auto modification is now a $31 million industry and everyone wants to accessorize and personalize his car. Hollywood looks not only at what you wear to the Oscars, but what you drive up in.

Consider this. The traditional definition of dandy is a man who places particular importance upon physical appearance and the cultivation of leisurely hobbies. In England and in the U.S. at the turn of the century, auto driving was a pursuit of the wealthy. In France, dandies were often self-created men who consciously designed their own personalities and enjoyed decadent lifestyles.

I'm moving carefully in customizing my truck, seeking the bling that Alfred Dunhill would approve of.

Masculine with just a splash of the dandy

Dunhill. The name reeks of British masculine elegance and conjures up visions of expensive leather goods, smoking accessories, writing instruments, timepieces, and colognes. But a lot of people don’t know that Alfred Dunhill and his luxury goods at the turn of the century were associated with driving and fashionable gentlemen motorists.

Dunhill even coined a term -- “motorities” -- to describe the fancy automotive accessories he sold.

So you might be wondering why I'm writing about Alfred Dunhill? Well, you see, I’ve been searching for a new framework around which to organize myself -- now that I drive a truck. I need inspiration and a style guide to ensure I do it right. “Masculine with just a splash of the dandy,” is how Dunhill thought of his goods and himself. I like that...

I already splash on a little Dunhill cologne before hopping behind the wheel. And Michael presented me recently with a chocolate brown Dunhill computer case that's worth almost one-tenth the value of the truck. It's damn good looking.

So, I'm feeling kinda Dunhill and I'm wondering what other "motorities" I might find for my truck? Perhaps I could cover the dashboard in chagreen or find an old Dunhill leather trunk for the bed? The ubitiquous silver “contractor” tool boxes I see in the back of so many trucks just don’t appeal to me. A silver bulldog hood ornament maybe? Does Dunhill make mud flaps? I know Dunhill doesn't make floor mats. So instead I put down a couple of small Persian rugs. The driver's side rug looks like it has little antelopes or deer on it, which is perversely appropriate.

I think Alfred Dunhill would have approved.