Parking and the big truck brand promise

I didn't think about parking when I bought a big truck.

Why would I? Truck commercials don’t mention it. You don’t see former linebacker turned NFL commentator turned Chevy truck spokesman Howie Long helping anyone parallel park a truck do you? Nope. In the truck commercials Howie helps a fella get out of a traffic jam. Howie encourages him to drive his truck down the side of a hill AND in the process regain his masculinity. That’s why you buy a truck.

I overlooked the practical matters when I bought a big truck. I was seduced instead by the possibilities of mountains and beaches and the promise of space for my lawnmower, hedge trimmer, and bags of mulch. With a truck, I’d start wearing old jeans and quit wearing underwear. Drink more beer and less chardonnay. You know, get in touch with my wild voice. That was the plan.

In reality, I’m not doing any of this. I’m just ironing.

Yep, you heard me right. The inability to park my truck on the narrow streets of Georgetown is keeping me from the drycleaners and turning me into an ironing woman. A laundress. A mammy.

Instead of four wheeling I’m reversing dark cotton shirts to avoid fading. I’m not barbecuing with my buddies on the beach, I’m sizing and starching and worrying about flaking.

Smoothing out wrinkles and bringing order to something messy has a certain therapeutic quality to it. But seriously, ironing isn’t part of the truck brand promise.

I need help. I need Howie Long.

Howie would find a way for me to combine the thrill of an outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt. Howie would hook me up with the extreme ironers, that special breed of men who iron in the Himalayas and in the middle of Broadway. Men who iron while skiing and canoeing. Howie’d show me how a real man irons. He'd slip his big arm around my shoulder and tell me its okay that my cuffs are a little wrinkled.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’d just teach me how to parallel park a big ass truck so I could go to the drycleaners and get back to the real business of owning a truck